I’m struggling a bit on how to start this post. I’ve been looking at a blank screen for a while now. I mean, how, or where do you begin to try to cover a topic as broad… as deep, as so uniquely personal and situational as binge eating. Of course there’s tendencies we all have that connect our struggles, but it’s an extremely isolating experience when you’re in it. I’ve sat alone with it for so long and the shame has grown roots down to my feet. What I’m saying is that I’m sitting here thinking of what I could possibly say to help you, when the weight of the shame I still feel is keeping me from even writing about it.
What’s hitting me like a ton of bricks right now is that I thought I was going to sit down and type an organized post with actionable steps about how I “quit” bingeing. I thought I had worked through all of this stuff. As I sit here and the memories and guilt of the things I’ve done for food and because of food are flooding me and well, I wasn’t expecting to feel this way right now.
So I guess this post is going to be me word vomiting through gritted teeth and the sheer terror of finally letting this out, telling you what has helped me and hope it helps me heal a little bit more in the process.
Like I mentioned about 5 times already, I’ve done a lot of things and solidified a lot of habits that are really embarrassing to admit to out loud. I’ve had binge eating on my “blog ideas” list since Feburary when this site first started but what made me finally decide to start writing it was driving past a McDonald’s this morning.
After getting off of a 12 hour overnight shift, I was on my way home and, innocently enough, I passed a McDonald’s. Then came the overwhelming and circular thought process of “needing” 2 sausage burritos from the breakfast menu and a large diet coke. I did the usual food addict process of trying to ignore the compulsion, then trying to justify why I needed it and deserved it (yes, sometimes this still happens to me to this day) and long story short, I was able to rationalize enough to let that lead me into thinking about how I have an “order” at every. single. fast food place. Every single one.
Name a drive-thru and I can tell you the exact thing I used to order. When I was alone. By myself in my car. Wendy’s? 2 junior bacon cheeseburgers with no mayo and a baked potato. Taco Bell? Chicken quesadilla with a softshell chicken taco, add sour cream, 2 loaded volcano tacos and a large baja blast. Chicken tenders with BBQ sauce and onion rings from Culver’s. I could go on.
From there on my drive home from work I began to wonder if it was just me who had this personalized menu down to a science for all of these places. I’m sure many people out there kind of know what they get from these fast food chains, what their kids like, but I started to feel really alone again, thinking that there’s no way anyone used the drive-thru like I used to. To the extremes that I did.
I’d order my McDonald’s breakfast of 2 sausage burritos and eat them while I drove to a different McDonald’s because I was too embarrassed to order the 4 that I wanted at the first one. I used to wake up in the middle of the night when my overnight shifts messed with my sleep, and without thinking, go to the nearest drive thru that was open. It was like I was being pulled there. Like I didn’t have a choice. On the days where I hadn’t worked overnights, it was still the same story, just a different time of day.
If I thought it had been too soon since the drive-thru employees last saw me, I’d go to a different fast food place that was further away. I’d often eat whatever food I got in my paper bag on the way to the gas station where I’d pick up a big bag of those powdered mini donuts to eat in the car on the final leg home.
This wasn’t a rare occurrence. It was daily. I was out of control and even getting physically sick because of how much food I was eating and going into debt over how much food I was eating. That is so, so hard to admit to you. It’s hard for me to think of myself being that person I was.
Even if I haven’t frequented any of these places in a long time, like this morning, the habits and thoughts sometimes creeps up on me still. To this day I still avoid the frozen food sections in the grocery stores unless I need frozen fruit or veggies because old me couldn’t be trusted in the florescent lit aisles. If I wasn’t getting fast food, I was going to the store, picking up a bag of pizza rolls, ice cream and a frozen lasagna. Only to take it home and eat it all within an hour. Another favorite? Eating an entire box of cereal in one day.
There were many, many days in my past where on my days off, the only thing that got me dressed and off the couch was food.
It was easy to do when I lived alone. I didn’t have to worry about anyone judging me or being “concerned” about me except for the drive-thru employees. Then I could sit alone with my guilt in peace. Prior to that though, living with roommates or a previous boyfriend forced me to be sneaky, to hide my binge eating and, ultimately, ensure that I be ashamed of myself. I was ordering a large pizza and order of cheese sticks, or enough Chinese takeout for two or three people, eating it all while sitting on my bed and walking the boxes out to the trash before my roommates got home. I would get excited or impatient for people to leave my house so I could order food to be delivered. I was keeping bags of skittles in my glove compartment in my car so I didn’t have to bring them into the house.
Every time I was at a restaurant I was hyper focused on what I could order to get the largest amount of food possible. Or justify my need for an appetizer too. I’d make comments that sounded like, “oh I’m so full but fries really aren’t good reheated”. Even though I knew I was going to eat every last bite and there would be no leftovers anyway. The binge eating thought process you have is so irrational and the excuses or reasons you come up with to give yourself permission to do it are just so far out there. Really, anything goes when you’re looking for an excuse to eat.
That shame continued to grow and pile on in the form of self-reproach and self-condemnation. I was watching myself destruct day by day. I was going out to dinner, eating my meal and ordering an additional to-go meal, telling my dinner companions it was for a boyfriend when really, it was for myself for when I got home. My guilt and shame rang louder than anything else during this time and I had given up dealing with it any other way besides eating more. Condemning myself to a life controlled by food and being unable to escape the punishments.
After all, to me, it was ME who did this to myself. The enormity of my shame and the incredibly overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and helplessness still make me cry when I think about this time in my life. Because even though most days I think it’s behind me, it takes one glance… or, ya know, one blog post, to remember that it’s not that far behind.
While I’ve always had issues with food and obesity, for a number of years right before I changed my life it was pretty bad. My life revolved around it. I was fixated on it each time I was near it. I remember being at gatherings or events and thinking, how are these people not eating this food? I am the only one in this room who is SO concerned about the chips on the table. None of these people even care that they’re here. How are they doing that? I wanted the food more than I wanted to even talk to anyone there.
Side note: I had typed “it’s so disgusting to even think about now” after that last sentence. Then deleted it out of an effort to be kind to myself. But, out of another effort to be open and honest, that is how I really do feel. It’s gross to me that I’d ever think or behave like that. It’s easy to say now, but I didn’t see it then. A few paragraphs up I had typed, and then swiftly deleted, “and you wonder how I got up to 300 pounds?!”, after realizing deflecting with a joke doesn’t make it funny or acceptable. It also brings up the fact that I clearly do still have more to work in the forgiveness department here, because calling that disgusting is something I would not only never THINK but never say to a friend, or to you. So why am I saying it about myself?
Anyway.
Once I was alone with said food at a get-together or in a breakroom, I’d immediately cram as much food as I could into my mouth as soon as the room was empty or I knew no one was close enough to see. And I wouldn’t stop until I heard someone coming. My old boyfriend and I would actually get into fights because I would constantly and compulsively eat the leftovers he had from his restaurant job before I even could talk some sense into myself to stop when he was sleeping or wasn’t home. I couldn’t be trusted with any of the food in my house. My boyfriend who I thought I loved at 20 years old constantly reminded me of it, too. Talk about feeling ashamed of yourself.
Honestly, he wasn’t really wrong, though. Wrong in the way he treated me and spoke to me about these issues? Absolutely. Wrong in the specifics of what he said? No, he really wasn’t. I was compulsively, obsessively, addicted to food.
I remember one time I had volunteered to make those cream cheese pinwheels for an appetizer for Thanksgiving. There were probably over 50 of them I had nicely assembled on a serving tray before leaving the house for the two hour drive to my Aunt’s. I knew myself well enough to know that I’d eat them if they were in the front with me. So I put them in the back seat and before I knew it I was putting my car in park at a stoplight to reach back and get them. They were gone by the time I got to my destination and I innocently enough told everyone I “forgot them” at home. I had just consumed 2 packages of tortillas, 2 large packages of cream cheese and a half pound of meat in one sitting.
I used to wish that instead of my problem being eating everything, my problem was that I ate nothing. I can truly see how how sick I really was in that thought process and as much as I wish it wasn’t true, it is. I really did think that way. I know now, and probably did then too, that food disorders of all types are equally dangerous and difficult but if I said I didn’t wish back then that my extreme swung the opposite direction I’d be lying.
Now here is the part of the post I had “planned” to write. A few cut-to-the-point actionable steps “you can take to stop binge eating too!”- said in my infomercial voice.
But this is also the part of the post that’s probably the least clear to me. The feelings of self-loathing I had? Yeah, pretty clear on those. The things I did to get food or get ahold of more of it? The times I acted like I had no idea who ate the last serving when asked about it? Yep, remember those too. But the actual step-by-step process isn’t so cut and dry. I can’t give you a list of things to check off to be “cured”. I’m still not over it. I’m still dealing with this. I might always. I don’t know yet. I for sure have some emotional scars that are still very present and real.
What I can tell you is what I’ve done, over time, to begin the process of working through these habits. I can only tell you what’s worked well for me. As I wrote this post just now I kept thinking, “wow I really wish I would have seen someone (aka a professional) about this”. So please, if you’re feeling lost, hopeless and alone like I was, please don’t be ashamed to seek guidance. I’ve linked to some resources at the bottom of this post.
1. Find something else you can use to cope that you enjoy, but be careful with that too
I used food to cope with everything. Everything. Good things, bad things, happy things, sad things, boredom, being busy, you name it. I really had to be conscious and learn to recognize when and why I was eating. And then try to use different strategies to cope or distract myself.
I say be careful with that though, because I’ve definitely toed the line with swapping food addiction for exercise addiction. It never got “that” bad but there was a while where I thought it was fine but I was working out twice or three times a day. I’d go to an hour workout class, then drive right to the gym and do an hour on the treadmill and then later that night I’d bike 15 miles. Of course I never physically looked like I was over exercising, but appearances aren’t everything.
2. Talk to someone
I can’t really say this is something I did, but I can urge you to do it because it’s something I wish I would have. I’ve talked a bit about how I didn’t tell anyone when I first started to get healthy. I was so embarrassed, afraid of failing, and wanted to prove to myself I could do it on my own. While I’m so proud, I certainly made it a bit harder on myself by not having a support system in place when I needed it. I haven’t told anyone about the things I wrote above, ever and I think maybe if I would have reached out to someone who I know loves me, it maybe wouldn’t have continued to spiral because I felt so alone.
3. Take your time and don’t expect perfection
I didn’t just stop thinking about food, wishing I had food, wanting food or overeating overnight. Having bad days or, even weeks, where you feel out of control and back in old habits is 100% normal. The biggest thing I learned was to have some grace with myself. Because it was when I didn’t that I just stayed in the out of control eating cycle. Making myself feel bad about getting “off track” only added to the guilt I already carried. Being disappointed in myself only made me want to eat more. Instead, I slowly started to realize this habit was one I could control by being patient and allowing myself to be imperfect in order to move on.
4. When emotional rational failed, I tried logic
When I found myself compulsively wanting and thinking about food I didn’t need, I tried to remind myself that I didn’t need it I wasn’t hungry, I’m just hurting or tired or sad. This works… sometimes. Sometimes it’s just not a strong enough reason to talk yourself out of eating when that’s all you’ve done and all you’ve relied on to comfort you for years.
When my emotional attempts to resist the urge to binge failed, logic sometimes prevailed. Don’t get me wrong, emotional eating is, well, emotional. Logic and reasoning didn’t 100% solve my overwhelming compulsions for food every time. But it did make me take a few minutes I otherwise wouldn’t have to try to sort though these feelings I was having.
If you’re a facts and information kind of person like I am, the books “It Starts With Food” and “Primal Blueprint” might help you like they helped me in terms of truly understanding what the food is doing to my body, why other choices I could make in that moment might make me feel better, which is what I was trying to do with my compulsive binge eating anyway, right?
And for the emotional side of it, I highly suggest “Food Freedom Forever”, which heavily discusses how to let go of the guilt around food. It’s a good, good read. It helped me forgive myself and let go of the anger and emotions that came along every time I would binge, over eat or fall of the wagon. It also helped me address some of the long term guilt I had for letting food control my life for so long.
Having specific, scientific information that taught me how different foods affect me was helpful for me when I was trying to logically love myself into making a decision. I was able to understand and use the knowledge I had, that I didn’t have prior, to help take the emotional aspect out of it.
Overall, it wasn’t just these 4 things that helped. It was a combination of many things. Tons of trial and error. Lots of failed attempts to win out over my habits. Lots of personal growth and changing the things that triggered my eating. From new routes home from work, removing people from my life, allowing others in, clearing out my entire kitchen from foods that cause me anxiety.
This isn’t a definite list, but with it, I hope that you can start to see some positive changes in the way you think of and use food in your own life.
Resources if you’re struggling with binge eating or an eating disorder:
Binge Eating Disorder Association
Eating Disorders Stories of Hope
As always, so thankful for your support and the love I receive from you on this site. Thank you for making my little corner of the internet a positive and healing experience.
This post may contain some links that are affiliate links, though products are ones I use personally and recommend. When you purchase anything using my links, it costs you absolutely nothing extra, but it does give Paleobailey.com a little financial support which helps to keep this blog running. Thank you for your continued support, both with your dollars and your interest.
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Rebecca SAUBER says
Wow, wow, wow! I love this post so much! I am certified Primal Health Coach and I just adore your honesty. Keep up the good work!
HK says
Thanks so much for sharing this!
katea says
What you said about the chips at the party hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought I was the only one who did that. THE MINI PIZZAS ARE RIGHT THERE PEOPLE JUMP ON IT! If we had catered lunch in my office, I felt like I had to go out and eat before so I seemed like I was eating a ‘normal’ amount when I left a little behind.
Thank you for posting this, I am very grateful and in your debt for making me feel seen. Thank you for making me feel less alone. Thank you for giving me hope that it can be done.
Kell says
I know what you’re talking about here. In my late 20’s, I worked til 10:30 at night and when I’d get home my boyfriend (now husband) would be sleeping as he had to get up early in the am. I’d stop on the way home for an entire cheese pizza at Papa Ginos… AND McDonalds for a Big Mac and fries. Or Big Mac and Filet of Fish and fries. I’d burn the packaging in the wood stove so he wouldn’t know. omg. ONe thing I just remembered was going thru a drive thru, probably McD’s, when I’d order I’d act like someone else was in the car and look over and say “what do you want?” because I was embarrassed that only 1 person was ordering all this food… silly because obviously you come up to the window and the person sees there’s only one person!! 😀 Exposed!!!
Your stories are very inspiring and excellent and you look amazing, good for you!
Delaney Kunitz says
I cried when I read this – I’m currently battling this same thing and I can’t tell you how good it felt to know that I’m not to the only one that’s dealing and dealt with this. The shame is unreal! Thank you SO SO SO much for sharing your story – you give me hope.
Amanda says
Hi Bailey, thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story! I am filled with so much joy for you that you were able to do this. I found out I have a good addiction back in April and began a 12 step recovery program then. It got me off to a great start but I began becoming obsessed about everything and having a past of not only binging but purging and starving I had to find my own way to deal with my recovery. Having resources like your blog and the books you recommended are really helpful tools to help me continue my journey. For this I am so very grateful and my heart is filled with love for you to do this for me and anyone else struggling on their own. Good luck and God bless!
Coco says
Thank you for your honesty and transparent vulnerability. You are brave, and it is so helpful to others. I am in the middle of my first Whole30 (well, the first one that I actually feel I have a chance of successfully completing.) The other times I started, I did not complete, due to the cravings and lack of discipline/motivation. This time, I have an accountability partner and it has been a huge help for me. I am going to see it through. You give me hope, though, because I sometimes wonder if the Whole30 people understand that some of us have eating issues. I overeat, not out of hunger, but because I have a dysfunctional relationship with food. Like you say, these habits don’t magically go away in 30 days. So I have had some days where I ate way too much, even though everything was compliant. Of course I woke up the next day feeling crappy, and realize it was because of the way I ate the night before. So I guess I want to thank you for giving me hope, that I can develop healthier habits on Whole30, and I have hope that some day I will have a normal relationship with food. I am probably 30 or 40 pounds overweight, but I have done many, many of the same things you have done in your past. Thank you again. You are amazing.
paleobailey says
Oh thank you so much for this kind compliment. I know exactly how you feel. Wishing you the best! Hugs <3 - B
Suzie says
Thank you, thank you. You have written down so msny things that I have thought about of myself, those horrible cravings, knowing you’re going to eat the food, secretly, regardless of what you say to yourself. I love it that you are learning to overcome the cravings…and I will too.
paleobailey says
Thank you so much, Suzie <3 I'm so glad it's relatable, but am so sorry you struggle too. You totally CAN do this, and I'm rooting for you! - B
Amanda says
This gutted me. Thank you for sharing. I’m 48 and have been a binge eater as long as I can remember. Thank you for being honest and wide open. I’m looking forward to hearing the podcast. I just found your site.
paleobailey says
Thank you so much for your kind comment. I truly appreciate this! Rooting for you! – B
Carmella D says
I can’t thank you enough for writing about a topic that resonated with me so deeply. I can relate to so much of what you wrote. Thank you for being so raw and honest. It means so much to see someone put there story out there and let others know they aren’t alone.
This post seemed to come just at the right time. Despite losing the weight and living a healthier lifestyle, binge eating will always be something I battle. It is nice to know that I am not alone because I find it hard to open up to others about this topic.
So, thank you for talking about a topic that may be uncomfortable yet needs to be heard.
joy hevron says
Thanks are no enough, but all I have to give. So, thank you. 100 times, over and over. Thank you.
paleobailey says
Joy, it really is enough. Just knowing me writing this, even though it was hard, helped in some way… well, that’s enough. So thank YOU.
Dana Berlin says
Bailey, wow. Thank you for your honesty girl, I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I actively suffered from bulimia for 3 years and had an “order” at every fast food place within a 10 mile radius, I hid food and eating from my friends, my family and my roommates, I made excuses for why I needed to finish my plate, or why I needed to order more food… It’s almost like I had a completely separate life, and the real me in those moments WAS the girl who was hating herself and binging and purging everything she ate… and the fake me was the me I showed all of my friends I wanted to be, but wasn’t actually. I also feel very similarly about my recovery… I have a hard time speaking out about my eating disorder because 1. I still fight it mentally nearly every day, and 2. Sometimes I don’t even know how I got better. It was a an accumulation of a lot of different things over a long period of time. As you said, it’s not cut and dry and simple and a step-by-step guide to follow. It just happened, and I feel so lucky that it did, but to put that into words or guide some other suffering soul to do the same… that I struggle with. Like you, I wish I would have gotten professional help sooner, and it would have been nice to have someone to talk to. Thank you for sharing this, you’ve made so many others feel “not so alone” including myself, and I hope we can do the same for you. Because when I was at my darkest and lowest, alone was all I ever felt. I hope this post reaches loud and far, you’ve provided so many amazing resources that people can benefit from. Thank you for being YOU. Love you girl!
-Dana Berlin
paleobailey says
Woah Dana. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I never would have guessed you’ve gone through that, and still battle with the feelings and emotions that come with it. But like you said, how would I have known when we have the “real” versions of us that come out in the dark and the versions of us we choose to show others? I so understand that and it’s difficult sometimes to feel like such a separate person from the me that I wanted to be and the me that I was/am. Food disorders are so much more complicated too because we HAVE to eat. It will ALWAYS be there. We can’t just decide not to be around it.. Which makes deciding how we deal with it an everyday thing. I’m so happy to hear you’re doing better and are moving past it but please reach out to me if you ever need someone who gets it. So much love to you. <3
Amy says
Thank you for sharing so courageously. You are not alone. So many of the most humiliating things you wrote above could have come from my life, my head, my actions. For me, the shame is lessened just knowing that I am not alone. I feel hopeful reading your words. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
paleobailey says
I’m so grateful that this has helped you feel less ashamed. That’s really all I could ask for to come out of this. I spent so long feeling like the only one and it helps knowing I’m not and you’re not either <3
Rebecca @ My Girlish Whims says
Wow girl. Thank you for being to brave to write this post. You are SO STRONG and I am amazed at your change of life. I feel like that sometimes at parties too still: HOW CAN NO ONE JUST WANT TO BE EATING ALL THIS FOOD RIGHT NOW! Lol. Thank you for sharing.
paleobailey says
Exactly! I just couldn’t understand how no one was paying attention to all the food! Thanks, Rebecca!
katie says
Thanks so much for sharing this! I’ve never really known much about food addiction, but I definitely can relate to the feeling of secrecy and shame about “never having enough.” I’m so happy that you have come so far in working to overcome this. You are a fighter and you are amazing.
paleobailey says
Thank you so much for that kind compliment. It really means a lot to me. I appreciate your support!
Jillian says
All I can say is wow! Your bravery and honesty are beyond impressive. The vulnerability you in an effort to help others is remarkable. I am so grateful to you for showing me that I am not alone in my struggle and that there is hope.
paleobailey says
Thank you, Jillian! I’m so glad it’s helped to show you you’re not alone, because you really aren’t, even though I know it so often feels like it when you’re in the depths of this. <3
Janice O'Kane says
Bailey, thank you so much for opening up and being vulnerable with all of us! I could have written this post! The shame and compulsion, even though you know the shame will be there, it’s a crazy vicious cycle. And you’re right, at least for me, there aren’t easy steps to outline how to get it over it. For me it is continually being willing to go into relationship with myself, learning to distinguish emotional hunger from real hunger and recognizing the triggers that may cause me to binge. Thankfully, reading this post has NOT triggered me and for that I am thankful!
I appreciate you sharing your journey!
paleobailey says
Yes! It’s such a vicious cycle and you can see it happening yet can’t seem to stop it. I really loved that you said you’re willing to get into a relationship with yourself.. because it truly does take a LOT of inner work to begin to understand, and then heal, these behaviors. Thank you so much for sharing.
Cate says
Bailey, I admire your honesty so much! You are so brave to put your experiences out there for the world to read. I am old enough to be your Mom, and have struggled with weight issues my whole life. I am continually inspired by you and your wisdom that I wish I had in my 20’s. Your authenticity is what resonates with so many people on IG & here too. Sharing your truth in this post, as hard as it was, is sure to help many people know they are not alone and that they can move beyond those addictive behaviors. Hugs to you!
paleobailey says
Thank you so, so much for your kind words. It really means so much to me. Like you said, I just really hope this helps someone like they don’t have to be stuck where they are forever. <3
Gabby says
You’re not alone. I used to volunteer to pick up dinner for the family (such a good daughter) just so I could order two burgers for myself. One to eat on the drive home, then I would throw the wrapper out the window as I drove (gahhhh that’s embarrassing too). I remember lots of cold spoonfuls of whatever leftover was in the fridge. Saying I didn’t feel well so I could stay home alone and make grilled cheese sandwiches.
I have a lot of shame in those memories. Reading your blog helps so much. I make healthy choices now but I can still feel those urges sometimes. I still wouldn’t trust myself at a drive through. It’s hard!!
paleobailey says
Oh gosh. I used to do that too with ordering extra and eating it before anyone knew. Same thing with eating right out of the fridge. I still can’t keep things like almond butter around because I’ll eat it standing in the kitchen until it’s gone. I’m sorry you had those experiences, but I’m glad you’re making healthier choices now. Thank you so much for sharing. <3
Lindsey says
Oh my lord. This speaks to me in so many ways. It feels amazing to hear about other people having similar experiences. I have seen therapists and discussed concerns of binge eating disorder and, at least the people I have seen (including someone from the binge eating support group) have asked ‘well, why are you eating so much?’ ‘What do you feel when you’re stopping for fast food?’ And it’s so hard to describe it as anything other than a compulsion. I have had days where I eat as much pizza or cake as I can, because if I leave any leftovers my husband will know how much I ate. I have sneaked items out to the garbage. I have eating one mcgriddle on my way to another fast food place for another item.
The part where you mentioned trying not to judge yourself, because you would never think/talk about a friend that way really resonated with me. Shame is so pervasive. Thank you for this post. It was so. Amazing. To read about someone who has a similar past.
paleobailey says
I’m so sorry you’ve had those experiences, and even more sorry because I know how it feels to not have anyone understand them. I’m also glad that it resonated with you, as much as I wish it didn’t have to. Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences with me as well. It’s comforting to me to know that none of us are alone.